Book Review: Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy-to-Learn, Proven Communication Skills

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Title: Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy-to-Learn, Proven Communication Skills
Author: Georgianna Donadio

Content: 8.5/10
It offers a practical step-by-step guide, supported by research and proven strategies to enable readers to develop a much more meaningful and effective communication relationship with the people they desire to improve their current relationships with.

Readability: 8/10
The 12 steps of Pure Presence is written in an easy-to-understand manner so that readers can pick up and acquire the skills easily to improve the quality of their communication skills.

Overall Ranking 16.5/20
Overall, Changing Behavior is a good read that offers important and timely advice for people who desire to bring transformation to their relationships, health and happiness as whole.

At the heart of Changing Behavior is the revolutionary Behavioural Engagement™ model. Developed over the last 30 years in partnership with leading hospitals and medical centers, Behavioural Engagement is the first known whole person health education and health behaviour change model developed, tested and utilized in a clinical setting.

Here is a summary on how to apply the Behavioral Engagement model with pure presence:

Step 1: Be fully and purely present - Remove any forms of distraction prior to the conversation and focus only on entering into a meaningful and effective communication with another person by being receptive, non-judgemental and fully present throughout the entire communication.

Step 2: Be physically comfortable and relaxed - Adopt an upright and centred sitting posture to enable you and the other person to be relaxed and thereby assist you in remaining in pure presence throughout the communication.

Step 3: Constant eye contact – Maintaining a constant eye contact with the other person can create a physical response in the latter that brings about trust, comfort and safety.

Step 4: Check your intention – It is recommended to keep your intention or views open, centered and non-judgemental. This will prevent you to trigger that particular emotion or ego from surfacing which cause the conversation s to go off track.

Step 5: Listen with understanding - Initiate a conversation with a respectful inquiry with the other person and seek to listen attentively without disruption while the latter respond to your inquiry.

Step 6: Be responsive without injecting – It is ok to node your head, give eyebrow gestures and short responses such as “thanks”, “ah-ha” and so forth to allow the other person continue this talking. It is however not wise to probe, ask questions or interrupt at the wrong juncture.

Step 7: Accept the silence between words – Throughout the conversation, there is surely to have moments of short silence between words. During this time of silence, we can visit our subconscious mind and integrate this with our thinking process.

Step 8: Be patient with yourself and the other person –
It takes time for people to notice and accept that you do not have an agenda or you are not going to judged them or give advice or suggestions.

Step 9: Be honest with your conversation objective –
It is important to have a pure presence intention when entering into a conversation as your intention will become your agenda. By practising this pure presence intention, it will perfect your being-in-the present skills to strengthen your communication skills and relationships.

Step 10: Use of “I” statements to convey your feelings – Using “I” statements to express your feelings will enable us to own what we feel and thereby showing respect for the other person’s experience.

Step 11: Allow for discovery – One of the transformational components of Behavioural Engagement™ model is that if you remain true to the model ad stay in your pure presence center, you will make discoveries that will bring about emotional shifts and behavioural change in you. As our behaviours shift, we will achieve a more sustainable change that can have positive long-term results in our lives and relationships.

Step 12: Keep trying to perfect your skills – Even if you experience some frustrating moments and mind wander during a conversation, you can begin again with the next conversation. It is crucial to be committed t improve the quality of communication in your relationship.

In summary, Changing Behavior is a good read that offers important and timely advice for people who desire to bring transformation to their relationships, health and happiness as whole. It offers excellent tips, substantiated by research. It also asks questions to reflect the points back at you. If you are interested in finding out more, do check out the Amazon.com page for more reviews.

Its not what happens to you, but what you do about it

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Its not what happens to you, but what you do about it that matters!

Each of us encounters setbacks in our lives. It might be big, such as the loss of a loved one, or it might be small. However, its not what happens to you that matters. What matters is what you do about it.

Overcoming The Odds:
An Example

Take for instance the example of Oscar Pistorius. He is a double amputee, which means that he had both of his lower legs amputated. To each and every one of us, I’m sure; this would be a tremendous setback that would eclipse any problems that you or I might be facing right now.

One might expect someone like him to feel dejected about his life, about how he was dealt an unfair hand in the game of life. But did he wallow in self pity? No, he didn’t. Today, he is a world class athlete who holds numerous world records in track and field and is currently attempting to qualify for the Olympics.

If someone like him, who has lost 2 of his limbs, can achieve something so exceptional, certain you or I, who are complete in body and mind, is capable of achieving so much more.

When we face setbacks, we might feel sorry for ourselves, feel angry or negative about it, or try to escape from the problem by resorting to alcohol. However, would something like that solve the problem? No, it wouldn’t. That would only exacerbate the problem and lead us down a downward spiral of despair.

Other people might do nothing and try to forget the problem. Well, you know the saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

What We should Do
What we should do is to turn the problem into a source of strength. Its not what happens to you that matters, what matters is what you do about it. Instead of moaning or grumbling, what we should do is to use the problem as a source of motivation to improve upon the situation.

For instance, there was this instance where I was given negative feedback about my personality. I was told that I was too cold, aloof and impersonal with people. Was I upset about it? You bet I was. However, after doing some self introspection, I felt that the feedback that I received was true. I can’t change the past. What has happened has already happened and can’t be changed.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing, what I could do was to try to change the future and improve myself. This motivated me to try to improve upon my interpersonal communication skills by joining more social activities such as Toastmasters International, a public speaking organization, and by reading and researching more about interpersonal communication in general. One great book about the subject is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Today, I can confidently say that I am a better person as a result of this incident.

To reiterate the main point of this passage, its not what happens to you, but what you do about it that matters. We can’t change the past, but we still have the power to shape our own destinies. We can choose how we want to handle our setbacks. Instead of wallowing in self pity, why not use it as a source of motivation and strength and make a positive change for the better. You will become a better person if you choose to put your mind into it.

Recognise your Strengths

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Consider this story

A water bearer in China had two large pots hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the perfect pot would always be full of water, but the cracked pot would arrive only half full.

For two years, this went on every day, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor and cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of perceived bitter failure, the cracked pot spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer replied to the pot, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so i planted flower seeds on your side of your path, and everyday while we walk back, you water them. For two years, I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers. Without you being the way you are, there would not be this beauty and grace in this house."

Think about what makes you unique in this world! What you perceive as a flaw might be seen by others as an asset. It might be your slightly crooked smile or corny jokes which warm other people up or your abnormal height that makes you a great basketball player. Do not neglect in counting the positives that make you who you are!

Remember that everybody has their strengths. Inspite of how bad you might think of yourself, you are special, unique and one of a kind. Recognise your strengths, trust in your abilities and succeed in life.

On the flip side, do recognise that even the weakest individual is better than you or me in some way or another. It may be intelligence or kindness or generosity or even grace.

Emerson once said: “Every man is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

Almost every man you meet feels himself superior to you in some way, and a sure way to win a person's heart is to let him or her realize that in some subtle way, you recognize his importance in his little world, and recognize it sincerely.

For more motivational quotes, check out this page of Motivational Quotes.
Check out this page for tips on how to win friends and influence people.

How a Complement can turn into an Insult - Communication Process

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Interpersonal communication is indeed a tricky thing to manage. Messages are frequently distorted though the communication process, such that even an intended complement might even turn into an unintentional insult.

Case in point. I was talking with a good friend the other day. She pointed out something that i thought was very interesting. She actually felt offended when somebody complemented how hardworking she was.

How could this be, you might wonder? The adjective "hardworking" certainly must be complementary, one must imagine. The free online dictionary defines the word hardworking as "habitually working diligently and for long hours." Certainly this must be a complement, especially considering the Asian culture where we both come from, where the trait of being a hard worker is encouraged and celebrated.

In her opinion, she linked the word "hardworking" with requiring long hours of work and effort in order to get things done. This is opposed to someone who can achieve the same result with little effort.

This is an example as to how the message gets distored as it moves from the receiver to the sender. There is a process of coding and decoding of the message which distorts the message from its original meaning. As mentioned in the post "Understanding the Communication Process", this could be due to cultural factors as my friend has lived many years of her life in an European environment which is different from an Asian environment.

And that is how complementing someone as being hardworking can actually turn into an insult. And i'm not even referring to complements that sound like insults either or "complisults", an urban slang meaning a half-compliment and half-insult.

The point to take away from this message is that unintentional miscommunication frequently occurs in our daily lives. This can happen anywhere, from our home to our workplace. This is a result of many different distorting factors as information flows through the channel of communication.

There is a need to put in the extra effort to ensure that your message is properly received and interpreted by the other person. Continue to be mindful of other person's feelings and continue to develop your interpersonal communication skills.

Love and Respect

`Love and respect are abstract, intangible aspects in interpersonal relationships. Everybody wants it, few people get it. It cannot be bought and can only be earned. However, it is something that each and everyone of us craves.

This post talks about the various aspects of respect and how it can strengthen your relationships.

Respect and Friendships

I have noticed in my daily life that love, friendships and respect are aspects that are strongly interlinked. We tend to become good friends if there is something about he or she that i greatly respect or admire. The converse is also true.

Just think about it. Think about your best friend whom you love and treasure very much. There must be something about he or she that you really respect or admire.

This could be their way with people, their intelligence, their analytical ability or maybe even about the way he or she looks. The fact that you respect your best friends shows that love and respect are often connected.

Respect has implications beyond friendships, and extend to relationships in all walks of life such as in marriages, workplace or even in the sporting arena.

Respect and Marriage

Respect is an important component in a successful marriage. One of the most important ingredients for a successful marriage is mutual respect.

Do show appreciation to your significant other for all the little things that he or she does for you. By paying attention to your spouse, you are demonstrating your respect, and your love for them.

Respect and in the Workplace

Respect is also especially important in the workplace.
Disrespect for others in the workplace creates an atmosphere of negativity, which leads to suspicion, hostility, harassment, bullying, malpractices and frustration.

Respect in Sports

A quick Google search of "lack of respect in sports" brings many examples where a lack of respect has led to unpleasent situations such as requests to be traded to another team etc...

In addition, a lack of respect in combat sports is a serious problem when it happens as this may lead to unnecessary brutally when the match is over.

The main objective of this post is to emphasize the fact that love and respect are often interlinked, and this often leads to strong relationships and friendships. This has been demonstrated using examples from friendships, marriages, the workplance as well as in the sporting arena.

Thus, you should always show respect to others, because this will lead to mutual respect. Respect is earned and never given. It does not instant, but earned over a long period of time.

If you are interested, here are some nice Love Quotes and Quotes about Respect.

Three Little Words in Relationships

Three Little Words in Relationships

There are many things that we can do to lift up and strengthen our interpersonal relationships. One of the most effective techniques involves the use of saying three special words.

1. "I'll Be There"

If you ever had to call a friend in the middle of the night when your car has broken down some miles from home, you will know how good it feels to hear the phrase "I'll be there." Being there for another person is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to another.

When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them as well as to ourselves . We are renewed in love, as well as in friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. Being there is at the very core of civility.

2. "I Miss You"

Perhaps more marriages could have been saved and strengthen if couples simply and sincerely say these three words to each other. "I miss you."

These three words act as a powerful affirmation that lets partners know that they are wanted, treasured and loved.

3. “I Respect You”

Respect is another way of showing love. Respect conveys the feeling that another person is a true equal. For example, if you were to talk to your children as if they were adults, you will probably strengthen the bonds and become close friends. This applies to all interpersonal relationships. Do make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

4. “Maybe You’re Right”

This phrase is highly effective in diffusing an argument and restoring frayed emotions. The flip side to "maybe your right" is the humility of admitting, "Maybe I'm wrong".

Let's face it. When you have a heated argument with someone, all you do is cement the other person's point of view. They, or you, will not change their stance and you run the risk of seriously damaging the relationship between you.

Saying "maybe you're right" can open the door to further explore the subject, in which you may then have the opportunity to get your view across in a more rational manner.

5. “Please Forgive Me.”

Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults, foibles and failures.

A man should never be ashamed to own up that he has been in the wrong, which is saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

6. "I Thank You"

Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don't take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness.

On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not
have the attitude of gratitude.

7. "Count On Me"

A true friend is one who walks in when others walk out. Loyalty is an essential ingredient in the recipe for a good friendship. It is the emotional glue that bonds most people.

Those that are rich in their relationships tend to be true and steady friends.

When troubles arise, a true friend is one that says "count on me"

8. "Let Me Help"

Best friends see a need and try to fill it. When they spot
a hurt they do what they can to try to heal it. Without being asked, they pitch in to help.

9. "I Understand You"

People become closer and enjoy each other more if they feel the other person accepts and understands them.

Letting your spouse know in so many different ways that you understand them is one of the most powerful tools for healing your relationship. This applies for any relationship.

10. "I Love You"

Perhaps the most important three words you can say. Telling someone that you truly love them satisfies a person's deepest emotional needs. The need to belong, to be appreciated and to be wanted.

Your family, your friends and yourself all need to hear these three words. "I Love You"

When spoken or conveyed, these statements have the power to forge new relationships, deepen old ones, and restore relationships that have mellowed.

These three word phases can be used to enrich any relationship. Use them and enjoy better relationships in your life today!