Book Review: Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy-to-Learn, Proven Communication Skills

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Title: Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy-to-Learn, Proven Communication Skills
Author: Georgianna Donadio

Content: 8.5/10
It offers a practical step-by-step guide, supported by research and proven strategies to enable readers to develop a much more meaningful and effective communication relationship with the people they desire to improve their current relationships with.

Readability: 8/10
The 12 steps of Pure Presence is written in an easy-to-understand manner so that readers can pick up and acquire the skills easily to improve the quality of their communication skills.

Overall Ranking 16.5/20
Overall, Changing Behavior is a good read that offers important and timely advice for people who desire to bring transformation to their relationships, health and happiness as whole.

At the heart of Changing Behavior is the revolutionary Behavioural Engagement™ model. Developed over the last 30 years in partnership with leading hospitals and medical centers, Behavioural Engagement is the first known whole person health education and health behaviour change model developed, tested and utilized in a clinical setting.

Here is a summary on how to apply the Behavioral Engagement model with pure presence:

Step 1: Be fully and purely present - Remove any forms of distraction prior to the conversation and focus only on entering into a meaningful and effective communication with another person by being receptive, non-judgemental and fully present throughout the entire communication.

Step 2: Be physically comfortable and relaxed - Adopt an upright and centred sitting posture to enable you and the other person to be relaxed and thereby assist you in remaining in pure presence throughout the communication.

Step 3: Constant eye contact – Maintaining a constant eye contact with the other person can create a physical response in the latter that brings about trust, comfort and safety.

Step 4: Check your intention – It is recommended to keep your intention or views open, centered and non-judgemental. This will prevent you to trigger that particular emotion or ego from surfacing which cause the conversation s to go off track.

Step 5: Listen with understanding - Initiate a conversation with a respectful inquiry with the other person and seek to listen attentively without disruption while the latter respond to your inquiry.

Step 6: Be responsive without injecting – It is ok to node your head, give eyebrow gestures and short responses such as “thanks”, “ah-ha” and so forth to allow the other person continue this talking. It is however not wise to probe, ask questions or interrupt at the wrong juncture.

Step 7: Accept the silence between words – Throughout the conversation, there is surely to have moments of short silence between words. During this time of silence, we can visit our subconscious mind and integrate this with our thinking process.

Step 8: Be patient with yourself and the other person –
It takes time for people to notice and accept that you do not have an agenda or you are not going to judged them or give advice or suggestions.

Step 9: Be honest with your conversation objective –
It is important to have a pure presence intention when entering into a conversation as your intention will become your agenda. By practising this pure presence intention, it will perfect your being-in-the present skills to strengthen your communication skills and relationships.

Step 10: Use of “I” statements to convey your feelings – Using “I” statements to express your feelings will enable us to own what we feel and thereby showing respect for the other person’s experience.

Step 11: Allow for discovery – One of the transformational components of Behavioural Engagement™ model is that if you remain true to the model ad stay in your pure presence center, you will make discoveries that will bring about emotional shifts and behavioural change in you. As our behaviours shift, we will achieve a more sustainable change that can have positive long-term results in our lives and relationships.

Step 12: Keep trying to perfect your skills – Even if you experience some frustrating moments and mind wander during a conversation, you can begin again with the next conversation. It is crucial to be committed t improve the quality of communication in your relationship.

In summary, Changing Behavior is a good read that offers important and timely advice for people who desire to bring transformation to their relationships, health and happiness as whole. It offers excellent tips, substantiated by research. It also asks questions to reflect the points back at you. If you are interested in finding out more, do check out the Amazon.com page for more reviews.

Its not what happens to you, but what you do about it

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Its not what happens to you, but what you do about it that matters!

Each of us encounters setbacks in our lives. It might be big, such as the loss of a loved one, or it might be small. However, its not what happens to you that matters. What matters is what you do about it.

Overcoming The Odds:
An Example

Take for instance the example of Oscar Pistorius. He is a double amputee, which means that he had both of his lower legs amputated. To each and every one of us, I’m sure; this would be a tremendous setback that would eclipse any problems that you or I might be facing right now.

One might expect someone like him to feel dejected about his life, about how he was dealt an unfair hand in the game of life. But did he wallow in self pity? No, he didn’t. Today, he is a world class athlete who holds numerous world records in track and field and is currently attempting to qualify for the Olympics.

If someone like him, who has lost 2 of his limbs, can achieve something so exceptional, certain you or I, who are complete in body and mind, is capable of achieving so much more.

When we face setbacks, we might feel sorry for ourselves, feel angry or negative about it, or try to escape from the problem by resorting to alcohol. However, would something like that solve the problem? No, it wouldn’t. That would only exacerbate the problem and lead us down a downward spiral of despair.

Other people might do nothing and try to forget the problem. Well, you know the saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

What We should Do
What we should do is to turn the problem into a source of strength. Its not what happens to you that matters, what matters is what you do about it. Instead of moaning or grumbling, what we should do is to use the problem as a source of motivation to improve upon the situation.

For instance, there was this instance where I was given negative feedback about my personality. I was told that I was too cold, aloof and impersonal with people. Was I upset about it? You bet I was. However, after doing some self introspection, I felt that the feedback that I received was true. I can’t change the past. What has happened has already happened and can’t be changed.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing, what I could do was to try to change the future and improve myself. This motivated me to try to improve upon my interpersonal communication skills by joining more social activities such as Toastmasters International, a public speaking organization, and by reading and researching more about interpersonal communication in general. One great book about the subject is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Today, I can confidently say that I am a better person as a result of this incident.

To reiterate the main point of this passage, its not what happens to you, but what you do about it that matters. We can’t change the past, but we still have the power to shape our own destinies. We can choose how we want to handle our setbacks. Instead of wallowing in self pity, why not use it as a source of motivation and strength and make a positive change for the better. You will become a better person if you choose to put your mind into it.

Pleasure and Pain in Human Behaviour

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Why do you do the things that you do? Why do you go to work, or relax in front of the television, or meet up with some friends?

What is the motivational factor that drives all human behaviour?

The answer is actually very simple. World renounded success coach Anthony Robbins in his book Awaken the Giant Within has the answer.

We do things in order to avoid pain, as well as to gain pleasure. Let me repeat that again. We do things to to avoid pain and/or to gain pleasure. That sounds so simple that it clouds the deep truth and profound wisdom in the answer.

This provides the answer as to why different people may do different things or have different values. Let me provide an example. Why do some people smoke, but others frown upon it?

This is because the people who smoke link tremendous pleasure to this activity, such as the feeling of being "cool" or "hip". However, other people may link tremendous pain to the activity, such as coughing, or getting lung cancer.

The point that i am trying to make is, all of us are driven by the need to gain pleasure, as well as the need to avoid pain.

Understanding this principle will allow you to become more understanding and empathetic to the actions and behaviors of other people. If can also help you to improve the quality of your own life by getting you to take action on the things that you know that you need to do.

For example, we all seek to improve our relationships with our loved ones, but not everybody makes the effort to spend time with them. We know that we seek to improve our relationships, because of the pleasure and good feelings that we get when our relationships are strong.

However, we do not act on this instinct as this feeling of pleasure is overwhelmed by the even greater feeling of immediate pleasure that playing a video game or watching some television may bring.

What we need to do is to try to strengthen our associations between pleasure and relationships, as well as to link some pain into not having strong relationships.

Think of what it might feel like to be distant to your loved ones, and you might find that this might motivate you to put in the necessary effort in your relationships or whatever you want to achieve in your life.

The pain and pleasure principle is extremely simple yet powerful. Understanding this principle and applying it in your daily life will not only allow you to change your behaviour, it will also allow you to improve the quality of your life.

If you are interested in reading more about Anthony Robbins, you might also enjoy some quotes by Anthony Robbins
If you are interesting in reading more about human needs, you might enjoy my post about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Become a People Person at Work

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The most difficult thing about working in an office is often not the job itself, but dealing with other people. This is the main reason why most job requirements these days have requirements such as

- The ability to relate to people of all levels
- Have a good team spirit and a pleasant personality
- Able to work independently and good people management skills

- Good communication & interpersonal skills
- Able to communicate well and able to work with people from various levels

From these actual sample job requirements above, it is clear good interpersonal communication skills is a essential requirement of the modern day corporate executive.

Here are some helpful tips that might be helpful in the workplace.

• Do treat your co-workers with respect

Treat your coworkers as your equals, no matter what their position within your organization. All people are equal; they just have different jobs. The way you treat other people is important in building interpersonal relationships.

Believe in this and believe in this each and every working day. You will develop a network of co-workers whom like and respect you in turn.

• Do keep your promises

If you say you will do something, then do it. People will need to depend upon you and the deadlines to which you commit. Again, it is a matter of developing trust. Similarly, when working on a project together, always put forth your best effort. Be the person who is willing to go that extra mile to strengthen the collaboration and the outcome or product.

• Do exhibit total professionalism at work

Never participate in the gossip of co-workers behind their backs. People will only trust you and if they know that what they tell you is safe in your hands. Cooporation at work only works when trust is present.

Similarly, never back-stab or blind-side a co-worker. If you have a problem with their actions, talk to that person directly and in private.

If you let your ally down, you could spend years redeveloping the relationship, if trust at the prior level is ever again even possible. Resolve any conflicts or disputes at the earliest opportunity. Unresolved conflict festers just under the surface in organizations. Unresolved conflict undermines alliance-building and mutual, purposeful progress toward accomplishing personal and organizational missions.

• Do your job well

If you do your job well, and with sincerity, you will succeed. You will not need office politics to help you succeed (or at least need it to a much less extent). Therefore, do your job well, and hopefully you will influence other people at your workplace to do likewise.

Effective communication forms the foundation for positive working relationships. Open lines of communication keep information, opinions and support flowing.

Put yourself in the shoes of your colleagues and respect their point of view which may be different from your own. Treat your co-workers with respect and keep your promises. Resolve any conflicts or disputes at the earliest opportunity, and do your job well.

The Persuasion Power of Social Proof

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In my previous post, "The Art of Persuasion", we have gained an understanding of the importance of persuasion.

In this post, we look at harnessing the power of social proof in increasing the effectiveness of your persuasion.

Firstly, what is "Social Proof"? Wikipedia states that social proof is is a psychological phenomenon that occurs in ambiguous social situations when people are unable to determine the appropriate mode of behavior.

It means that in many common situations such as shopping at a supermarket, driving in a traffic jam or browsing at a public library, people will pick up social cues on the appropriate response based on the actions of others.

This phenomenon assumes that surrounding people possess more knowledge about the situation, and will deem the behavior of others as appropriate or better informed.

Social influence in general can lead to conformity of large groups of individuals in either correct or mistaken choices, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as herd behavior.

Many different examples of social proof exist. For example:

Certain nightclubs and bars employ social proof in an effective manner in order to increase the popularity of their venues.

By deliberately reducing the rate of entry, this artificially causes the line to be longer, thus customers might perceive this long line as a positive signal of the place's desirability. This might be the case while in fact the venue might be mediocre and nowhere near its full capacity.

Similarly, television shows and theaters use social proof to increase the effectiveness of their offerings.

Television shows increase the perceived "funniness" of a show by merely playing canned laughter at key "funny" moments.

Theaters similarly sometimes use audience members, specially planted within the audience who are instructed to give ovations at pre-arranged times. Such ovations might be perceived by non-expert audience members as signals of the performance's quality.

Now that we have established the existence and validity of social proof, how can we use social proof to improve the persuasiveness of our arguments? To learn how the large organizations use this, let us look at a few examples.

When you pass by a nearby McDonalds, you might notice a sign stating "Billions and billions served" The local KFC advertisement at my area states that "Millions of taste buds can't be wrong". These advertisements use the power of social proof to persuade others to take a desired course of action.

There is little doubt that other people's behavior is a powerful source of social influence. Do take advance of the persuasive power of the herd. It costs very little to apply, and all it takes is to change a few words in your advertisement, speech or argument.

The Art of Persuasion

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In the art of persuasion, there is a small and simple word that everybody craves.

The word is "yes".

Just because that yes is simple and understandable, that does not mean that we should be fooled into believing that anybody can obtain it easily from another person.

In Robert Cialdini's book Influence: Science and Practice, he talks about the six universal principles of social influence. Let us take a look at what these six principles are.

1) Reciprocation - The feeling of obligation to return favours performed for us.

2) Authority - Looking towards the guidance of experts to show us the way.

3) Commitment/Consistency - The feeling that each individual has of acting consistently with their own commitments and values.

4) Scarcity - The less available a resource, the more people will want it.

5) Liking - The more we like a person, the more we want to say yes to them.

6) Social Proof - Looking to the behaviour of others to guide ones behaviour.

These six principles act as the foundation for the majority of successful social influence strategies. Aside from these six factors, there are also many other persuasion techniques that are based on psychological factors.

Everyone persuades for a living. There is no way around it. Whether if you are a sales professional, an entrepreneur, or even a stay at home parent, if you are unable to convince others to your way of thinking, you will be constantly left behind.

Donald Trump said it best, "Study the art of persuasion. Practice it. Develop an understanding of its profound value across all aspects of life."

In upcoming posts, we will be looking at some tips and strategies that each and everyone of us can utilise in our everyday lives to influence and persuade.

The Persuasion Power of Social Proof

Book Review: What They Dont Teach You At Harvard Business School

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Author: Mark H. McCormack

What They Don't Teach You At Harvard Business School: Notes From A Street-Smart Executive

Content: 8.5/10
Useful Tips from the firing lines of experience

Readability: 9/10
It is well written and the numerous stories are rather interesting.

Overall Ranking: 17.5/20
Overall a good read for people who want to learn from the real life experience and not a textbook.

This book stems from the perspective of the author Mark H. McCormack's experience at the head of his sports management company IMG (International Management Group), where he and his company represent sporting clients and events such as Arnold Palmer and Wimbledon.

The preface of the book contains the following statement.

"As an introduction to business, an MBA, is a worthwhile endeavor. But as an education, as part of an ongoing learning process, it is at best a foundation and at worst a naive form of arrogance."

The preface continues to say that the ins and outs of everyday business life are largely a self-learning process, though the experience of someone like the author Mark McCormack might make the learning shorter, easier, and a lot less painful.

This book proceeds share McCormack's experiences of the business world through short sections of advice which is usually illustrated to a real life example. It is separated into three main sections and fourteen subsections. They are

What They Don't Teach You At Harvard Business School: Notes From A Street-Smart Executive

Part One: People
1. Reading People
2. Creating Impressions
3. Taking the Edge
4. Getting Ahead

Part Two: Sales and Negotiations
5. The Problem of Selling
6. Timing
7. Silence
8. Marketability
9. Stratagems
10. Negotiating

Part Three: Running a Business
11. Building a Business
12. Staying in Business
13. Getting Things Done
14. For Entrepreneurs Only

Overall, i feel that this book is definitely a useful guide for most people as it includes sections on human relationships, salesmanship as well as tips for people who want to get their business on track.

Well worth your time and effort.

Social Situations and Small Talk

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As humans, we are frequently required to attend a whole host of social functions where we are required to interact with groups of strangers. Most of us could use some help in such social situations.

Wouldn't it be nice become a better conversationalist in the art of small talk?

In a previous post, "First Impressions", the importance of making a good first impression was highlighted. This was followed up with the post "How to Make a Great First Impression" where we looked at some tips on how to achieve this.

In this post, we will be exploring the next step in socializing which is making the art of making small talk.

What is small talk?

It is an easy going, light hearted and casual conversation about everyday happenings. It deals with general topics and everybody should be able to participate in the conversation.

How do you begin?

Well, asking a question is always a great place to start. Ask open ended questions which trigger a response. Alternatively, you could always make a statement, state a fact or give an opinion.

Here are some dos and don'ts of small talk.

Do talk about

- Business
- Situation
- Travel
- Background
- Food
- Sports
- Cars
- Movies
- Entertainment
- Hobbies

Avoid talking about

- Religion
- Politics
- Personal Questions (age and income)
- Appearance
- Race
- Inappropriate Jokes


Here are some things you could do to be better at engaging in small talk

Practice Practice Practice:

Engage in conversation with people whom you come across, be it cashiers, waiters, people you're in line with, come across or encounter, be it neighbors, co-workers or even kids.

Chat with people dissimilar to yourself, from seniors to teens to tourists. Force yourself to get into small talk situations. Accept invitations, or even host your own very own meeting or gathering.

Be Well Read and More Involved:

How do expect to contribute to and be involved in a conversation if you are ignorant of the issues? Television, music, sports, fashion, art and poetry are great topics for everyday conversation. Everything is a source of information that can be discussed. Noticed that the people most skilled in conversation usually have an opinion for most topics.

Even if you don't like something, that too can be an interesting source for a conversation. Expand your horizons. Try japanese food, play pinball, paint, or even bake a pie. Try something new every day.

Become a Better Listener:

Listen more than you talk. Attentive listening can bring up many opportunities for making small talk. Did she just say that she suffers from migraines? Did he mention his favorite football team? Take your time during introductions. Make an extra effort to remember the other person's name names and use it frequently.

Remember, the more you practice, the better you are at it. The more you know, the more you know you can talk about. The more you listen, the more you can focus on the other person's interests. This will help you become more confidence, overcome any traces of shyness and any feelings of fear.

Small talk can and is a huge challenge for most people. However, some preparation and confidence is all that you require to be successful at it. A skilled small talker will come across being more friendly and open, as compared to a person who does not say much during social situations.

If you have enjoyed this post, please remember to subscribe to this blog, bookmark it or check out some other excellent articles from the Top Posts section. Thanks.

The Power of a Smile

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"Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu. When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too."
~~ Karen McLendon-Laumann

Smiling is indeed important in our everyday life, both in our personal lives as well as within the workplace.

Dale Carnegie notes that "the expression one wears on one's face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back."

This article about "The Power of a Smile" talks about the importance of a smile, gives tips on "How to smile, even when you don't feel like it", discusses on why is a smile is so infectious as well as touches upon the priceless value of giving a smile.

To begin, a smile is one of the most obvious and effective methods of non-verbal communication. It is one of the first things someone will notice about you. A smile, both physically as well as subconsciously, transmits the message, 'I'm glad you're here and that I'm happy to see you.'

Smiling has implications, both in our personal as well as our business relationships. Smiling overcomes barriers and open doors for people. A sincere smile is a message of goodwill, and is considered a sign of hospitality and confidence when dealing with a friend or a business associate.

So we know that a smile is well and good, but what happens if you don't feel like smiling? Well, emotions can be controlled to a certain extent, both physically as well as emotionally. As such, you can evoke a smile using these two methods.

How to Smile, Even when you don't feel like it

Physical Method

- The human body associates physical responses with the associated emotion. For example, if you slouch a lot, your body will naturally feel more sluggish as compared to a person who maintains a good posture.

- Similarly, even if you feel sad, you can still draw your lips together and lift up the ends to form a smile. You might find your mood improving naturally. This technique has helped me improve my mood countless of times.

- Smile with your eyes. This technique involves concentrating your smile on your eyes instead of your lips. Think of your eyes smiling, or twinkling. You will find that your entire face will have to lift itself to accomplish this. You will find your cheekbones lifting up and the tip of your lips lifting up to form a smile.

Emotional Method

- Our emotional state is all in our state of mind. As clique as it sounds, you've gotta want to be happy, in order to be happy. When you WANT to be happy, think happy thoughts. Think about a calm meadow, think about a loved one or a joke maybe.

- Remember, happiness is frequently a choice. Abraham Lincoln once noted that "most fokes are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." We can choose to be happy or miserable. Do choose happiness to fill your life.

There is the saying "Smile and the whole world smiles with you." Well, sayings like this are actually grounded in fact. When you smile, it does tend to trigger off smiles in others around you. Even in extremely stressful situations, a smile can easily brighten up everybody's mood.

The value of a smile is priceless. It can't be bought, begged or borrowed.

It costs nothing to give, but is the most sincere gift that one might be able to give to another. A smile brings rest to the weary, and is the best antidote for discouragement. It brings sunshine to the sad and hope to the hopeless.

A smile is infectious. Start infecting people and winning friends with your smile today.

If you like this article, you might also enjoy

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

How to Make a Great First Impression

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In my previous post entitled: First Impressions, I illustrated the importance of making a good first impression.

In this article, we will look at some tips on how we can achieve this.

Appearance Matters!!

Do take care of your appearance. This counts for a lot to the person whom you are meeting for the very first time.

The factors which we frequently neglect in our appearance include the condition of our shoes and socks as well as the condition of our nails.

Speak Eloquently and Articulate Clearly

Do speak in a clear and confident voice.

Remember to speak at a moderate pace and try to minimize any slang if speaking to somebody from another country. You want the other person to be able to understand you.

Remember to use a tone of voice appropriate to the situation.

Talk in Terms of the Other Person's Interests

Try to talk about things that the other person might be interested about. For example, if you are at a party, ask who invited him or her and how did they know each other.

Check out my post on Conversation Starters for tips on how to better initiate a conversation.

Smile and be Confident

Smile and watch the world smile back at you. Smiling is an excellent way to create a great first impression. But remember not to overdo it.

Remember that non-verbal cues communicate as much information to the other person as compared to what we say. So do remember to be confident and adopt positive and open body body language.

Much of what I've talked about here is common sense. However, once a first impression is created, it will be virtually impossible to change it.

Considering the impact it will have on your future relationship with the other person, it is worth giving your best effort to make the best of any situation.

Do remember to bookmark this post or subscribe to my blog if you have enjoyed it. :)