Book Review: Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy-to-Learn, Proven Communication Skills

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Title: Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy-to-Learn, Proven Communication Skills
Author: Georgianna Donadio

Content: 8.5/10
It offers a practical step-by-step guide, supported by research and proven strategies to enable readers to develop a much more meaningful and effective communication relationship with the people they desire to improve their current relationships with.

Readability: 8/10
The 12 steps of Pure Presence is written in an easy-to-understand manner so that readers can pick up and acquire the skills easily to improve the quality of their communication skills.

Overall Ranking 16.5/20
Overall, Changing Behavior is a good read that offers important and timely advice for people who desire to bring transformation to their relationships, health and happiness as whole.

At the heart of Changing Behavior is the revolutionary Behavioural Engagement™ model. Developed over the last 30 years in partnership with leading hospitals and medical centers, Behavioural Engagement is the first known whole person health education and health behaviour change model developed, tested and utilized in a clinical setting.

Here is a summary on how to apply the Behavioral Engagement model with pure presence:

Step 1: Be fully and purely present - Remove any forms of distraction prior to the conversation and focus only on entering into a meaningful and effective communication with another person by being receptive, non-judgemental and fully present throughout the entire communication.

Step 2: Be physically comfortable and relaxed - Adopt an upright and centred sitting posture to enable you and the other person to be relaxed and thereby assist you in remaining in pure presence throughout the communication.

Step 3: Constant eye contact – Maintaining a constant eye contact with the other person can create a physical response in the latter that brings about trust, comfort and safety.

Step 4: Check your intention – It is recommended to keep your intention or views open, centered and non-judgemental. This will prevent you to trigger that particular emotion or ego from surfacing which cause the conversation s to go off track.

Step 5: Listen with understanding - Initiate a conversation with a respectful inquiry with the other person and seek to listen attentively without disruption while the latter respond to your inquiry.

Step 6: Be responsive without injecting – It is ok to node your head, give eyebrow gestures and short responses such as “thanks”, “ah-ha” and so forth to allow the other person continue this talking. It is however not wise to probe, ask questions or interrupt at the wrong juncture.

Step 7: Accept the silence between words – Throughout the conversation, there is surely to have moments of short silence between words. During this time of silence, we can visit our subconscious mind and integrate this with our thinking process.

Step 8: Be patient with yourself and the other person –
It takes time for people to notice and accept that you do not have an agenda or you are not going to judged them or give advice or suggestions.

Step 9: Be honest with your conversation objective –
It is important to have a pure presence intention when entering into a conversation as your intention will become your agenda. By practising this pure presence intention, it will perfect your being-in-the present skills to strengthen your communication skills and relationships.

Step 10: Use of “I” statements to convey your feelings – Using “I” statements to express your feelings will enable us to own what we feel and thereby showing respect for the other person’s experience.

Step 11: Allow for discovery – One of the transformational components of Behavioural Engagement™ model is that if you remain true to the model ad stay in your pure presence center, you will make discoveries that will bring about emotional shifts and behavioural change in you. As our behaviours shift, we will achieve a more sustainable change that can have positive long-term results in our lives and relationships.

Step 12: Keep trying to perfect your skills – Even if you experience some frustrating moments and mind wander during a conversation, you can begin again with the next conversation. It is crucial to be committed t improve the quality of communication in your relationship.

In summary, Changing Behavior is a good read that offers important and timely advice for people who desire to bring transformation to their relationships, health and happiness as whole. It offers excellent tips, substantiated by research. It also asks questions to reflect the points back at you. If you are interested in finding out more, do check out the Amazon.com page for more reviews.

How to Use Tone of Voice to Your Advantage

'It is not what you say that matters but the manner in which you say it; there lies the secret of the ages.'
-William Carlos Williams

The name Albert Mehrabian probably isn't very familiar to many of us. It should be though, because he is responsible for one of the most quoted findings in the field of human communication.

Mehrabian was responsible for his discovery that the words used in face-to-face communications account for only 7% of messages received, while body language and vocal tone account for 55% and, 38% respectively.

This is called the rule of 7/38/55%. Professor Mehrabian's findings are frequently trotted out at personal development seminars, emphasizing the importance of body language and vocal tone over the words which we use.

The implication is clear: good communication goes beyond the words you use to convey a message. Speech writers spend hours crafting their speeches to perfection. How many of these dedicated people invest as much time in their presentation skills as they do in their vocabularies? It is clear that top communicators rely far more heavily upon appropriate body language and vocal tone to get their message across more effectively than reciting from a dictionary.

The Science of Speech 

Plenty of research has gone in to determining which vocal tones are more pleasing to the human ear. First, a little biology: the tones of the voice originate from the triangular chamber at the upper end of the trachea, or windpipe. The front part of this chamber forms the 'Adam's Apple' visible in men (women have one too, just smaller). The vocal chords are comprised of two strips of tissue that, which, when air is passed through, vibrate to produce a vocal tone (a fascinating YouTube video stroboscopy, or camera view, of the living vocal chords can be found here.)

Power of the Pitch

While preferences for particular vocal tones can vary from person to person, there are a few rules that have been revealed through research. For example, lower vocal tones have been shown to generally possess more authority than higher ones.

According to a study recently published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society of Biological Sciences, vocal pitch (highness and lowness) is perceived to have an effect upon the perception of the leadership capabilities of the speakers. This is shown to be heavily influenced by their gender.

Women with higher pitched voices were perceived as more attractive, while those with lower pitches were more socially dominant. Men, on the other hand, who possess lower voices, were perceived as 'more attractive, physically stronger, and socially dominant.'

Research conducted in 2011 linked deep male voices to improved memory in females, while a further study conducted at McMaster University in Ontario discovered voters were more likely to favour candidates with lower voices.

Use your Vocal Tone to become a Better Communicator 

The use of body language is one thing, but how can we work on how we use vocal tones to become better communicators? Salespeople are adept at this. Whether it's a telemarketer calling to compare credit cards, a charity collector on the street, a shop assistant or salesperson, many people involved in sales implement these skills instinctively.

Used in both your personal and professional life, there's no escaping the fact that developing an excellent use of vocal tone will pay dividends. Judith Filek of Impact Communications suggests some ingenious techniques for improving the tone of your voice:

1. Ensure you are breathing from the diaphragm, which is the muscle beneath your rib cage. Shallow breathing will make your voice sound strained.
2. Make sure you drink plenty of water all day to keep your vocal chords properly lubricated.
3. Ensure you limit your intake of caffeine as it is a diuretic.
4. Sit up straight: posture not only influences your voice, but also your confidence.
5. Use gestures to energize your voice. This will help give your voice added power when you are tired. Smiling also helps 'warm' your voice.
6. Record your voice. This is a particularly illuminating technique for some!
7. Try speaking at a slightly lower octave, as research has shown that those who speak at a lower octave are often presumed to have more credibility.
8. Don't be afraid to ask for feedback on your vocal tone.

If you are interested in this post, you might consider the following posts
1) First Impressions
2) How to Make a Great First Impression
3) Advantages and Disadvantages of Written and Spoken Communication

Use Your Head To Communicate Effectively

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Effective communication includes an awareness of not only what you say, but also how you say it.

However, another important tool of communication is body language. We all know that actions speak louder than words. Our bodies give away signals of how we feel, what our true intentions are, and what we’re not saying. So we may be sitting on a crowded sectional sofa during a family gathering without saying a word, yet communicating clearly to anyone who glances over.

Gestures and body language are so ingrained that we take them for granted. We are almost unaware of behaviors such as tapping a pen, stroking the side of our noses or yawning. Yet, the fact that such behavior is virtually unconscious makes it a real clue to what we’re really thinking and feeling.

Mixed Messages of Head Gestures

When looking at effective communication then, we need to examine what our body language is saying to others. Even some of the most basic gestures, such as nodding our heads can give mixed messages.

In most cultures, when we want to say “yes” or show agreement, we nod our heads. This action comes from bowing; the person symbolically begins to bow, but stops short, resulting in a nod. Bowing is one of the most submissive gestures and the head nod stemming from this indicates that we are going along with the other person’s point of view. Allan and Barbara Pease, authors of The Definitive Book of Body Language (2004, Orion), states that research conducted with “people who were born deaf, dumb and blind shows that they also use this gesture to signify ’Yes’, so it appears to be an inborn gesture of submission.”

It’s easy to assume then, that a head nod means “yes” the world over. However, in India, the head is rocked from side to side to say “yes”, a gesture that most Westerners would associate with “either – or” or “maybe yes, maybe no”. Furthermore, in Japan, head nodding can be misinterpreted; it doesn’t necessarily mean “Yes, I agree with you”, it usually means “Yes, I hear what you’re saying.” Be aware too that in Arab counties, a single, upward head movement means “no”, whereas Bulgarians shake their heads to mean “yes” rather than “no”.

Using the Power of the Head Nod as a Tool of Persuasion

Once you are clear about the meaning of the head nod, head wobble and head shake, consider the power of head nodding as a tool of persuasion. Pease and Pease cite research showing that “people will talk three to four times more than usual when the listener nods their head using groups of three nods at regular intervals.” The speed of the head nod is a clue to how patient the listener is feeling. “Slow nodding communicates that the listener is interested in what the speaker is saying so give slow, deliberate clusters of three head nods when the other person is making a point,” they say.

On the other hand, if you want to tell a speaker that you’ve heard enough, want them to finish, or want a turn to speak yourself, it’s time to start nodding quickly. This is a way to interrupt and get involved in a conversation or bring it back under your control without using words.

“Body language is an unconscious outward reflection of inner feelings” say Pease and Pease, so if someone’s head is nodding as they speak, it is a sign that they are feeling positive or affirmative. It iss even the case that “if you simply start nodding your head intentionally, you will begin to experience positive feelings”, almost as if agreeing with yourself generates as much feel-good factor as someone else agreeing with your point of view.

Conclusions and Recommendations

Because head nodding is very contagious, it is an excellent tool for creating rapport, encouraging agreement and getting co-operation. Pease and Pease have found that if someone “nods their head at you, you will usually nod too – even if you don’t necessarily agree with what they are saying.” They recommend finishing your sentences with verbal affirmations like “don’t you think?”, “isn’t it?”, or “wouldn’t you?”, plus plenty of nodding. In this way the listener experiences positive feelings which increase the chances of their agreeing with you. Clearly, if you want to get co-operation from other people, it’s time to start using your head.

If you are interested in this post, you might consider the following posts
1) Persuasion Tactics Simplified
2) Social Situations and Small Talk
3) Improve Your Communication Skills

Recognise your Strengths

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Consider this story

A water bearer in China had two large pots hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the perfect pot would always be full of water, but the cracked pot would arrive only half full.

For two years, this went on every day, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor and cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of perceived bitter failure, the cracked pot spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer replied to the pot, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so i planted flower seeds on your side of your path, and everyday while we walk back, you water them. For two years, I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers. Without you being the way you are, there would not be this beauty and grace in this house."

Think about what makes you unique in this world! What you perceive as a flaw might be seen by others as an asset. It might be your slightly crooked smile or corny jokes which warm other people up or your abnormal height that makes you a great basketball player. Do not neglect in counting the positives that make you who you are!

Remember that everybody has their strengths. Inspite of how bad you might think of yourself, you are special, unique and one of a kind. Recognise your strengths, trust in your abilities and succeed in life.

On the flip side, do recognise that even the weakest individual is better than you or me in some way or another. It may be intelligence or kindness or generosity or even grace.

Emerson once said: “Every man is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

Almost every man you meet feels himself superior to you in some way, and a sure way to win a person's heart is to let him or her realize that in some subtle way, you recognize his importance in his little world, and recognize it sincerely.

For more motivational quotes, check out this page of Motivational Quotes.
Check out this page for tips on how to win friends and influence people.

How a Complement can turn into an Insult - Communication Process

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Interpersonal communication is indeed a tricky thing to manage. Messages are frequently distorted though the communication process, such that even an intended complement might even turn into an unintentional insult.

Case in point. I was talking with a good friend the other day. She pointed out something that i thought was very interesting. She actually felt offended when somebody complemented how hardworking she was.

How could this be, you might wonder? The adjective "hardworking" certainly must be complementary, one must imagine. The free online dictionary defines the word hardworking as "habitually working diligently and for long hours." Certainly this must be a complement, especially considering the Asian culture where we both come from, where the trait of being a hard worker is encouraged and celebrated.

In her opinion, she linked the word "hardworking" with requiring long hours of work and effort in order to get things done. This is opposed to someone who can achieve the same result with little effort.

This is an example as to how the message gets distored as it moves from the receiver to the sender. There is a process of coding and decoding of the message which distorts the message from its original meaning. As mentioned in the post "Understanding the Communication Process", this could be due to cultural factors as my friend has lived many years of her life in an European environment which is different from an Asian environment.

And that is how complementing someone as being hardworking can actually turn into an insult. And i'm not even referring to complements that sound like insults either or "complisults", an urban slang meaning a half-compliment and half-insult.

The point to take away from this message is that unintentional miscommunication frequently occurs in our daily lives. This can happen anywhere, from our home to our workplace. This is a result of many different distorting factors as information flows through the channel of communication.

There is a need to put in the extra effort to ensure that your message is properly received and interpreted by the other person. Continue to be mindful of other person's feelings and continue to develop your interpersonal communication skills.

Love and Respect

`Love and respect are abstract, intangible aspects in interpersonal relationships. Everybody wants it, few people get it. It cannot be bought and can only be earned. However, it is something that each and everyone of us craves.

This post talks about the various aspects of respect and how it can strengthen your relationships.

Respect and Friendships

I have noticed in my daily life that love, friendships and respect are aspects that are strongly interlinked. We tend to become good friends if there is something about he or she that i greatly respect or admire. The converse is also true.

Just think about it. Think about your best friend whom you love and treasure very much. There must be something about he or she that you really respect or admire.

This could be their way with people, their intelligence, their analytical ability or maybe even about the way he or she looks. The fact that you respect your best friends shows that love and respect are often connected.

Respect has implications beyond friendships, and extend to relationships in all walks of life such as in marriages, workplace or even in the sporting arena.

Respect and Marriage

Respect is an important component in a successful marriage. One of the most important ingredients for a successful marriage is mutual respect.

Do show appreciation to your significant other for all the little things that he or she does for you. By paying attention to your spouse, you are demonstrating your respect, and your love for them.

Respect and in the Workplace

Respect is also especially important in the workplace.
Disrespect for others in the workplace creates an atmosphere of negativity, which leads to suspicion, hostility, harassment, bullying, malpractices and frustration.

Respect in Sports

A quick Google search of "lack of respect in sports" brings many examples where a lack of respect has led to unpleasent situations such as requests to be traded to another team etc...

In addition, a lack of respect in combat sports is a serious problem when it happens as this may lead to unnecessary brutally when the match is over.

The main objective of this post is to emphasize the fact that love and respect are often interlinked, and this often leads to strong relationships and friendships. This has been demonstrated using examples from friendships, marriages, the workplance as well as in the sporting arena.

Thus, you should always show respect to others, because this will lead to mutual respect. Respect is earned and never given. It does not instant, but earned over a long period of time.

If you are interested, here are some nice Love Quotes and Quotes about Respect.

I Love You

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I Love You.

Three words that have transcended emotional core of the human race.

I Love You.

Three words that have transformed the of human history. Three words that can move armies and change the face of human destiny. Three words that can touch lives.

Falling in Love

Falling in love is one of life's great experiences. Everyone wants to be in love. No matter where we are in our lives or what else might occupy our time, we all wish to have someone to love and someone who will love us in return.

Love is...

So what is love? Love refers to emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. Relating to the phase "I love you", love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person.

When we feel that special feeling for someone else, we tend to want to say that special three words to the other person. We think of the other person all the time. It floods our minds and occupies our fleeting thoughts. That special person and those three special words, "I love you".


Love in a Relationship

In a relationship, differences between men and women may cause friction within a loving relationship. For example, a women wants to feel loved and cherished but the man will want to feel competent and respected. Not recognizing such differences might result in problems later in a relationship.

Similarly, recognizing such needs and desires early on can help both parties fulfill each other's needs and desires in a relationship resulted in strengthen bonds and ties.


Love Equals Giving

Pure love is giving by its nature. When a person showers his or her partner with the warmth and tenderness of love, his or her partner will instinctively feel the desire to reciprocate. This creates a positive feedback loop of love and affection. Thus, we should all strive to shower our partners with as much love and affection as possible.


Relationships need Constant Love

Relationships require nourishment in order to grow and develop. Just like plants that require water and sunlight, similarly, our relationships also require constant nourishment and care to flourish. Shower your partner with love and affection, such as affirming your love by saying "I love you".

I wish you a lifetime of endless love and happiness with whoever he or she may be.


Here are some resources that are related to the words "I love you"

Love Quotes from Free Famous Quotes
I Love You in Different Languages
21 Reasons why I Love You
The Art of Seduction from Amazon.com
How to Write a Love Letter from Amazon.com

Make the Other Person Feel Important and do it Sincerely

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How to make people like you instantly.

In my previous post "How to Win Friends and Influence People", we have explored the first five ways to make people like you, and they are

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

In this post, we will explore the one all important law of human conduct. This law will bring us countless friends and constant happiness if followed, and endless trouble if broken. The law is,

Always Make the Other Person Feel Important

As humans, all of us crave to be appreciated. I am not referring to cheap insincere flattery here, but honest sincere appreciation.

The truth is that almost everybody that you meet feel that they are superior to you in some way. Why not let them realize in a subtle way that you recognise their importance and recognise it sincerely.

Show Respect to Others

Always show respect to others. Fill your vocabulary with phases such as "I'm sorry to trouble you," "Would you be so kind as to -" "Won't you please?" "Would you mind" and "Thank you."

Little courtesies like these grease the gears of everyday life and make our daily existance a nice and smoother one.

As humans, we should do our best to try and radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation to others, even if we do not get anything in return. The fact that you managed to make someone feel a tiny bit better about themselves is reward enough.

Why not say something nice to somebody else. It could be a family member, a friend, or even a complete stranger. Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.

Make someone else happy, today.

If you enjoyed this post, don't forget to subscribe or bookmark it! :)

Relationship Advice

'After being in a successful relationship for almost 2 years and on the verge of getting married, I thought I would share some important relationship advice on how to maintain a strong relationship with your partner.

1) Be Understanding –

Relationships have their ups and downs. No two people are perfect, and everybody is different. You should not expect your partner to share your point of view for all things.

The key is to try to be understanding to the other person’s feelings and to try to take the other person’s point of view. Compromise. Adopt the other person’s point of view more often and you should see more improvement in your relationships.

2) Make the Extra Effort –

Relationships don’t sustain themselves automatically. A plant requires nourishment and sunlight to grow, similarly, relationships require lots of nurturing for them to develop and grow. And all of this nurturing requires lots of time and extra effort for them to develop.

In life, we often times take our closest loved ones for granted, and don’t put in the necessary time to develop our relationships with them. Do make the extra effort to make time for your loved ones today.

3) Be Interesting (Or at least try to be interesting) –
In many relationships, couples fall into a rut of doing the same things again and again. That coupled with the stagnation as a result of familiarity results in boredom in a relationship.

Periodically do something different or interesting to excite your partner. Go for a weekend getaway, do something nice for your partner for no reason. Avoid falling into that mundane ruet that many couples tend to fall into.

Relationships in an important aspect of our lives and we need to take the effort to nature them. These three simple relationship advice may require some effort to follow, but might provide much more joy and satisfaction to your relationships.

You might also enjoy some Funny Dating Quotes.
You might also enjoy the post: "Can Money Really Buy Happiness?"

Become a People Person at Work

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The most difficult thing about working in an office is often not the job itself, but dealing with other people. This is the main reason why most job requirements these days have requirements such as

- The ability to relate to people of all levels
- Have a good team spirit and a pleasant personality
- Able to work independently and good people management skills

- Good communication & interpersonal skills
- Able to communicate well and able to work with people from various levels

From these actual sample job requirements above, it is clear good interpersonal communication skills is a essential requirement of the modern day corporate executive.

Here are some helpful tips that might be helpful in the workplace.

• Do treat your co-workers with respect

Treat your coworkers as your equals, no matter what their position within your organization. All people are equal; they just have different jobs. The way you treat other people is important in building interpersonal relationships.

Believe in this and believe in this each and every working day. You will develop a network of co-workers whom like and respect you in turn.

• Do keep your promises

If you say you will do something, then do it. People will need to depend upon you and the deadlines to which you commit. Again, it is a matter of developing trust. Similarly, when working on a project together, always put forth your best effort. Be the person who is willing to go that extra mile to strengthen the collaboration and the outcome or product.

• Do exhibit total professionalism at work

Never participate in the gossip of co-workers behind their backs. People will only trust you and if they know that what they tell you is safe in your hands. Cooporation at work only works when trust is present.

Similarly, never back-stab or blind-side a co-worker. If you have a problem with their actions, talk to that person directly and in private.

If you let your ally down, you could spend years redeveloping the relationship, if trust at the prior level is ever again even possible. Resolve any conflicts or disputes at the earliest opportunity. Unresolved conflict festers just under the surface in organizations. Unresolved conflict undermines alliance-building and mutual, purposeful progress toward accomplishing personal and organizational missions.

• Do your job well

If you do your job well, and with sincerity, you will succeed. You will not need office politics to help you succeed (or at least need it to a much less extent). Therefore, do your job well, and hopefully you will influence other people at your workplace to do likewise.

Effective communication forms the foundation for positive working relationships. Open lines of communication keep information, opinions and support flowing.

Put yourself in the shoes of your colleagues and respect their point of view which may be different from your own. Treat your co-workers with respect and keep your promises. Resolve any conflicts or disputes at the earliest opportunity, and do your job well.